At a Crossroads
As I sit here looking back on these past few months, I really have no idea where to start. So much has happened and not happened at the same time and before I really get into the meat and potatoes of this post, I want to start off with my testimony of the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want you to know that we have a father in Heaven who loves us more than we could ever imagine. Jesus Christ is a real person. He atoned for our sins so that we could make it back to live with our Heavenly Father. Joseph Smith was/is a true prophet of God and we have a prophet (Thomas S. Monson) currently leading and guiding us today. I know that without a doubt each one of those statements are true and they are the foundation of how I live my life. I encourage you to get to know, really know,Jesus Christ and who he is. I give you a solid promise that he will be there and he will guide you to become a person far greater than you ever imagined.
It’s been a while since I have posted on my blog.. I’ve kinda been taking some time to focus on other things. So to start, it’s funny to me how just when I think that I have my life all figured out, Heavenly Father points me in a new direction. Over these past couple months I have been at home and trying to thin out my use of social media, one day it all just became so pointless to me. I read through some of my old posts and they were almost embarassing because I focused more on growing my blog than putting time into a post that truly represented what I felt at that moment. But they also brought something else to my attention.. just how much I have grown and changed in these past few months. I am always looking for change, a new adventure, some way to better myself and so I spend my days asking Heavenly Father to guide and mold me into the person that he created me to be. Before I get to far, I guess I should start from beginning. In January, I was attending the University of Florida and was accepted into Brigham Young University Provo and Hawaii. (Hawaii being my dream since my freshman year of high school.) I began to ask Heavenly Father which one I should attend and thought a lot about what each school could offer me. I went into April 2016 General Conference seeking a confirmation on the decision I made, which was I was headed to Hawaii. By the time conference ended, I knew in my heart without a doubt that none of them were the right answer and a mission was. I decided that night I would go and slowly I began talking to a few friends about it until the day I just told my parents I was coming home to serve a mission. I finished up my summer semester, came home, went on a few trips, and then started my papers. It was the beginning of August when I really started to work on them and I knew I wouldn’t be available to leave until November so I wasn’t necessarily in any particular rush. Thennnn, one Sunday after church I got a message from an old friend and I didn’t think much of it. He had just returned home from a mission and I knew what RM’s are typically looking for (haha) so I just kept it at small talk and thought I’d be nice. Long story short, the first time we hung out we were just kind of instant best friends and had the same vibe going. A little while later, things changed for me and I fell hard for this sweet boy. We had about a month of adventure, after adventure, after adventure together and it soon came time for him to head off to school out west. I was left here to make a decision… serve a mission or date this boy? I really wanted to do both so bad, and I spent all my days agonizing over which way to go and what would Heavenly Father want me to do? I really struggled for a while because I couldn’t seem to let go of either one. I was really confused and wondered why I found myself having to choose one or the other. One day I felt that I needed to put my papers on hold and I couldn’t think about anything else until I did. I continued to ponder about my decision and I knew if I was going to serve a mission, I was going to do it with 100% of everything that I could give and I knew I couldn’t offer that at that time. I knew if I left, part of me would be wondering “What if?” and “What could have been?” so I decided to put the mission to the side and see where it went. By this time, I didn’t have a school that I could enroll in, it was all too late for them, I applied for a few jobs but nothing really went anywhere. I didn’t feel confident in moving out west and basically I was stuck home with nothing to do. SO I spent my time searching for answers, I had a lot of confusion to why this was happening, about the timing of it all and what was I supposed to be learning? I wanted answers more than anything else. I wanted to have that same relationship with Heavenly Father as if I was on a mission. I struggled a lot, I felt lost in which direction to turn next. Each person I sought advice from had a completely different opinion and I was driving my self crazy at this point. I wanted to be back at school more than anyone else wanted me to be there. I am my harshest critic and I came to a point where I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore. If you would have told me when I graduated that a year later I would be home and not in school, no job and essentially “not doing anything” I would have laughed and thought you were crazy. Looking back now, I had a lot more pride than I thought I did. I was going to a nationally ranked university, all my classes were going good, I was working, had the best of friends and all of these things are amazing but were also distractions at the same time. I poured myself into all of them more than I did the gospel. Although I am still trying to understand what I am to be learning right now, I have learned (and will always be learning) a hard lesson of only relying on the Lord. I quit asking for other peoples opinions because they didn’t matter to me anymore. I was only seeking to impress Heavenly Father and trying to keep an eternal perspective on things. People would ask “What are you doing right now?” and I would think to myself of everything I was feeling but just smile and say something that I thought would satisfy their curiosity. They would look at me and question about school, a job, the mission I said I was going on and all of these things they thought I should be doing and I would simply smile and say “I am working on it.” All in all, I have been doing nothing in the eyes of the world but everything I could in Heavenly Fathers eyes. Having everything striped away forced me to be humble, to rely only on him, to gain that relationship I have always wanted. It has given me the time that I needed to figure out a lot of things. I have had more time to spend with my family and friends. I now value family, education, the gospel and all the joys of life 100x more than I did before. I have learned some hard lessons and plenty more are in store. I am still trying to figure out what all I am to be learning while I am home but I feel comfort in looking at how much I have grown, how much my desires and wants have changed, how my relationship with Heavenly Father has changed and that makes me happier than anything I have done yet.